Me, outsourced? Impossible. How could they replace a humour columnist?
But my brother-in-law, a radiologist, told me that his hospital was threatening to cut his position because it found a medical group from India that would read MRI results at half the cost.
He gave me a warning: “Don’t be so smug. Nobody’s indispensable in today’s world economy.”
He was right. I had become blase. I needed to diversify and find readers outside the US, especially in the booming call centres of India.
Do people from India find our business customs humorous? I decided to research it. I called my computer maker’s help desk. I asked the technician where he was located.
With pride in his voice, he said Birmingham, Alabama. I asked for his boss. I told her that I wanted help from someone in Bombay.
“What? I usually get the opposite requests,” she said. I told her that I found the staff in India more helpful and courteous. I found their English easier to comprehend compared with the accents from Birmingham.
I was connected to Bombay within 10 seconds. After spending a few minutes on a fictitious problem, I asked my support person what he found humorous about working with Americans.
“Sir, it would be inappropriate for me to comment on your Americans and your business practices,” he said.
I kept digging. “You must be frustrated spending eight hours a day listening to Americans. How do you blow off steam?” He suggested that I call a radio talk show in Bombay where the locals share the problems they experience working with Americans.
Using my computer, I found a cheap Internet phone line to Bombay. The radio show’s producer doubted my veracity when I told him I was calling from the US. But when he listened to my accent – half Pittsburgh and half Brooklyn – he knew no Indian could impersonate that dialect. He reminded me to use only my first name when being interviewed.
The talk-show host said: “Our next caller is Mr Hesh from the US. We are very lucky to have an overseas caller. Welcome to our show.”
“What is it about doing business with Americans that you find most intriguing or disconcerting?” I asked.
“A great question,” the talk show host said, recognising an issue that could generate controversy. “Mr Hesh, hold on as we let our callers respond.”
The first caller said: “Mr Hesh, you Americans have such a childish belief system. You expect every problem to be solvable. Our culture has taught us the inevitability of misfortune. I want to say to callers: ‘Sorry, your hard drive is forever broken and can never be repaired. Please, unplug it and grieve for the next 10 minutes’.”
The second caller said: “We are obligated to try to sell you a software upgrade with each call. We think this is very inhospitable. In our culture, when someone calls for help, one must never try to gain an advantage from another’s adversity. But we are taught that this is what makes you Americans so wealthy.”
The producer asked me to call again during his next show. He had dozens of locals waiting to talk with me. I became a radio personality in India with a morning call-in show. I visit India almost twice a month. I’m a regular commentator on TV morning shows and a lecturer at business conferences.
I’m considering a move to India permanently. Somehow, the governor of Alabama found out about my impending move, and he called asking that I not take my business overseas. It would be a terrible loss to our region’s image. I would qualify for a development grant if I didn’t relocate.
I called my brother-in-law with the good news. “I told you going to medical school was a poor career choice. You should have majored in English, like I did.”
• US-based columnist Hesh Reinfeld’s tongue-in-cheek look at the world of business will appear fortnightly in WA Business News.
